i am nothing

i am nothing.

I have come to the point in my ministry here in Honduras where I understand Paul's heart in 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 where he boasts of the fact that he is nothing: just a weak, sinful man simply undeserving of any glory or praise.

i am nothing.

Sean and I have lived in Honduras for just a pinch over a year. In this year, we have seen great things happen. 52 children have been empowered to change their future with full scholarships to go to school through the Honduras Education Project. The church has purchased a bus that now brings about 80 children to the church on Sundays to worship and learn about the Lord and share a healthy lunch. We have seen dozens of children work hard in our tutoring classes and parents learn to prioritize education in the household, many of which have gone from failing grades to strait As. The youth group that was once barely alive, with only a few very dedicated teenagers coming out each week, is now growing to over 40 youth and has a solid and passionate group of leaders. 5 women who were struggling to feed their children each day are now employed making and selling beautiful jewelry.

i will say it again, i am nothing.

When I think back on this year, I praise God with all I am. Tears begin to fall and my heart swells with this unimaginable joy. This journey is truly amazing. I am so blessed to be here. People always thank me for my sacrifice and my hard work, but this experience is a beautiful, precious gift. I have done nothing. This might not make sense, but all of this has happened in spite of me. The pictures, videos, monthly updates and blog posts might make it seem like our hands are the ones doing this great work here, but please do not be fooled.

i am nothing.

The need in the world is great. The powers opposing hope and truth and love are so strong. The chains imprisoning the impoverished are made of the hardest metal. And I am a 26 year old woman who tires easily, who picks silly fights with the love of her life, who would sometimes rather lay in bed and watch Grey's Anatomy than go to one more church event, who struggles to devote time to prayer and bible study...  and I could go on forever.

i will say it until you believe it, i am nothing.

I don't say any of this out of insecurity or self-hatred. It is just the opposite. I am so weak, and I truly have nothing to offer. But the Lord is so good! He has done everything. That is so clear to me. It is the only truth I can cling to. I am a woman who loves the Lord and has been blessed beyond measure. His power resides in me and He is using me to do great things. I truly am nothing, but He is everything. And I have realized that I need to make the world see that. From now on, He alone will receive all the glory and all the praise for all that is happening in Honduras.

i am nothing, He is everything. i don't want it any other way.

la necesidad

It's June. Wow. We have been here almost a straight six months. I left my job in Texas over a year ago. Over this time, I've learned a lot. Admittedly, I've neglected publishing my lessons learned to the world, because sometimes the lessons seem to big to capture in times new roman size 12, but mostly, because I don't feel like I have finished learning any of them. But this morning, I read something my mother, a thinker and writer-in-hiding like me, had written. It was beautiful, and I encouraged her to share it with the world. Because God doesn't teach us lessons so that we can put them in a book on the shelf.

Honduras is Honduras. The more you get to know her, the more you want to love her and strangle her at the same time. The poverty is overwhelming. The joy of the children is contagious. The perseverance of the single mother with no job and a half dozen mouths to feed will expose your weakness. The violence is heart-wrenching painful. And the faith of the people, the faith of so many mothers, fathers, grandmothers, and young children is simply extraordinary.

Everyday we witness the need all around us. It's painful and it's devastating. However, what will  crush you is when you see the need is even more desperate in yourself. When you realize that there is a great poverty in your own life and your own heart.

But the jar he was making from the clay became flawed in the potter's hand, so he made it into another jar, as it seemed right for him to do. -Jeremiah 18:4

And in that is our hope. That our Lord loves us. He teaches us, molds us and sometimes completely remakes us. But our God is good. He loves like a hurricane, but sometimes we need to be destroyed. For the creature he molds with his own loving hands is blameless, beautiful, and breathtaking.

Honduras is Honduras. But the work God is doing in me is remarkable.

A Day in Kindergarten

If there was ever any doubts in my mind that this is what I want to be doing with my life right now, a day in kindergarten erased them all.

In a small impoverished community on the outskirts of town, a woman holds kindergarten class in a little schoolhouse built in the neighborhood. Every morning 18 little children full of potential and dreams, come to learn each day. They sit two to a chair in a small concrete house beautifully decorated with their drawings. With very few materials, the teacher pours her heart into preparing them for elementary school where she knows their success can put them on a path to a very different life.

Upon learning that the school could not afford the official diplomas required by the public schools, our church stepped into help. We worked together to host a small graduation ceremony complete with food, cake, festivities and the prized diplomas.

The tiny schoolhouse was packed. The graduates sat in their seats of honor and all their siblings and family crowded in to witness their little loved one receive their first diploma. The little ones normally found in old, dirty t-shirts, torn jeans and naked, muddy feet were dressed up like miniature princes and princesses. One by one the children came up as we announced their names. Cameras flashed, smiles grew bigger and bigger, and the parents eyes gleamed with pride. In a country where education is the key to a life out of poverty, hunger, and need, this was a big moment. Every child in that room felt like they had achieved something great, and every parent saw a great future in them.

However, some in the room sat wondering how they would continue to pay for their child's schooling. While some struggle to keep the children fed, the cost of uniforms, registration, and school supplies seems insurmountable. But God is so good, and his plans for these little ones will not be hindered. We were able to meet with 5 of the neediest families after the graduation festivities were over to offer their child a scholarship for their next year of schooling. We explained the goal and vision of the Honduras Education Project: how we hope to empower their child with an education and, with the help of his/her family, church and community, raise up an educated leader who loves the Lord and will not only advance his/her own situation, but that of their family, community and country.

The room was silent asPpastor Arturo continued to encourage them and remind them of the plans our creator has for His children. Not one eye was dry as we said goodbye.

Working with these families and these children will be my greatest joy. Offering more opportunities like this to more and more children in need is the life I want to live.

learning

We have now been living in Honduras for a little over a month. A statement that just blows my mind. I have no idea how all that time has past. The past four weeks have been more exciting, more challenging, more frustrating and more fulfilling than expected. What has struck me the most is how much I need to learn.

Somethings are obvious of course. I need to learn more of the language, the culture, the food, and the streets. I need very specific, clear directions to get just about anywhere as I learn to live without a my beloved gps. After my first trip to the grocery store, it was clear that I would need to learn an entire new way of cooking meals. Making real beans involves more than a can opener and rice is a whole other story. I'll admit I took my first load of wash to a laundry service, but since we are living on a missionary budget I knew that could not last very long. However, I was overly confident that a washboard would not be all that hard or complicated. I should have known better. Pastor Arturo happened to witness me standing and staring at the clothes, the washboard, the soap, the bucket, the bowl, the other type of soap and the stones beside me. After a good chuckle, he taught us how to wash our dirty, sweaty clothes "just like his mom did when he was a little kid." There are foods I just stare at until someone else starts eating, because I have no idea how to eat it with just a spoon in one hand and a tortilla in the other. Even still, it generally ends up all over my face.

Learning these simple things that most learn here as little children is very humbling. I realize how many conveniences I depend upon back home. To the point where if they were taken away from me I'd be completely lost.

I also learn more about the people and their struggles each day and my heart grows for the Honduran people. I have witnessed their strength and optimism in the face of poverty, corruption and growing violence. Their faith is exceedingly stronger than anything I have known in the US as they quite literally pray for their daily bread and praise God when they receive it.

I have learned that the Honduran women have a strength about them that in reality should terrify any man. I mean seriously any woman who washes a family-size load of laundry on a washboard each day has larger guns on her than  man I've met. But they also speak with such hope and gratitude when I am sure I would have already given up. I met a woman who is 95 years old, cannot walk, hear or see to save her life, and lives in a tiny house on a dirt road way up on the mountainside. Every day, her son picks her up out of bed and sets her on a plastic chair on their porch. She happily sits there each day, helping any way she can and loving on her grandchildren. Teaching them about God and feeding them lessons of hope and peace.

I guess I have learned quite a bit in these four itty-bitty weeks. I love it. Every lesson. Each day I feel like I am a little bit more in touch with the real world. It's hard and it's humbling, but it is just beautiful.  

peanut butter

We have officially been living in our new home, Honduras, for a week now. This past week has been full of ups and downs. Beginning with the scariest step of faith Sean and I have ever taken.

When we arrived at the Chicago airport in the wee hours of the morning, we were actually probably too tired to be as nervous as we should have been. However, the realization quickly came that this was the day we were leaving our families, our home, our friends, our church, our language... all to create a new home in a new place where everything is foreign to us and nothing resembles our home.  That first day was a blur full of emotion, excitement, anxiety, fears, and at last peace that we are exactly where God wants us to be.

Since then we have spent our days getting everything situated here and have realized that even the simplest task can be very difficult. Buying a car this week has involved 4 trips to another city about 40 minutes away, 4 visits with a lawyer, 3 trips to the DEI (some type of government office), and about 8 hours of just waiting around. We've also learned that the streets have no names, they change from two-way to one-way without any signs saying so, and are full of people, cars, trucks, taxis, motorcycles, bicycles, and stray dogs.  Mom, don't worry Sean is driving very carefully and slowly as I brace for my dear life in the passenger seat.

However, this week has been full of blessings some very small but significant and some that we have become absolutely dependent on. One of the first was the grocery store. Expecting a typical Latin American supermarket, I anticipated and prepared myself for a life absent of my favorite foods. This may seem very silly, but if you have ever been away from the US for a long period of time, you know what I mean. Something about familiar food is so comforting. It fills your body and soul with the tastes and smells of something familiar. When I saw peanut butter sitting on the shelf of the grocery store, I just about died. In Costa Rica, I had to travel 40 minutes to get to a store that sold peanut butter! Such a small blessing, but significant in that it brought me right back to home.

I cannot give you an accurate update without telling you what a blessing the Pastor Arturo and his wife Ruth have been for us. They have given us every spare second they have, which trust me is precious time as they are the two busiest people I have ever met. They have been with us helping us every step of the way. Driving us to all these meetings, stores and offices, teaching us about the language, culture, and city, and cooking delicious meals for us each day. They have been the biggest blessing here for us. Wit
hout them, we would be completely lost. I am constantly grateful to God for their loving presence in our lives here and inspired by them as they do it all as servants of Christ without any regard for their own time, rest, or priorities.

From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. -John 1:16

We are very blessed here as we follow in the path God has prepared for us. We are grateful every day to be on this adventure, and we look forward to building our home, lives and ministry here.

rain

Today it is raining. As I sat outside watching the storm pass through, I noticed how sad everything seemed in that moment. The clouds were grey and the sun's bright light hidden. The air was cold and the wind merciless. Even the birds were hiding.

I sat reflecting on the rain in my life. Lately, I have been surrounded by goodbyes. Selling our things, leaving our home, saying goodbye to dear friends... it is all very sad. To be honest, at times, I have felt overcome by this rain in my life. However, even in the bleakest part of the storm, I love the rain.

I have always loved the rain; the ominous grey sky, the sounds that both soothe and startle your heart and the fresh, clean air left when the rains slow to a trickle. After living in North Texas the past three years, I even more so appreciate the rain. Here it is so dry that all the plants seems to always hover on the brink of dying. The rain comes and brings new life. It rejuvenates each blade of grass and flower pedal. Afterward, the sun shines brighter, the grass grows greener, and the air tastes sweeter.

I realize that this rain in my life right now is temporary. It is difficult, but necessary. Just like the rain that gives new life to dehydrated Texas. It might be cloudy right now, the sun might not be brightly shinning, but new life is coming. Though the future is ominous, my hope in the Lord is certain. For He promises to be my comfort and strength through the storm. One day soon, the sun will shine again and I will be rejuvenated and alive.

getting closer

Well, the flights have been booked! One more sign that we are indeed getting closer, though the to-do list is getting longer and longer. I'll admit that at times this all gets overwhelming. All the little details that  must fall into place... But I am constantly reminded that God is faithful, even in the details. Phil. 4:6-7 comes to mind...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

I am drawn to the phrase "with thanksgiving." We often forget or skip that part of the verse, but it is so crucial. When I get anxious, I simply begin to praise God that He is sending us on this incredible adventure to serve and follow Him. I thank Him for working in me to achieve His purpose, and I get excited to think of all He will do through me. I prayerfully request that He help put all the details in place so that we may go to Honduras, but more so, I pray that I never lose sight of who is sending me to Honduras.